I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
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drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now