If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
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Ron is short for Aaronald
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Mountain Goat : )
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no