People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
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I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Why am I like this?
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.