Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
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I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Who called it baking and not making love
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like