Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
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It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do