“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
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I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
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If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.