Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
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Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.