*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
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I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away