I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
You Might Also Like
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Denise please return my vape pen
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share