friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
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MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
A woman drives into a bar.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
omg leave her alone
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Mhm.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Me irl
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.