“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
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M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.