When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
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I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Meat Cute
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Breaking news:
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive