Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
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It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
they should invent a hydrating liquor
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.