Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
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[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Good news
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.