I love wikipedia
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Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination