i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
You Might Also Like
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]