Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
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-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
I’d love this…lol
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
wtf is a larm clock?
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…