If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
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ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
File under excellent bookstore names.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?