My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
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Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
he’s doing your taxes
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.