ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
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Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Nose
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.