My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
You Might Also Like
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count