Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
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2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]