Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
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You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
what
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.