Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
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I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Put a ring on it
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.