Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
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R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
The first one, obviously
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.