the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
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He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
what could possibly go wrong?
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!