Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
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Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
pizza
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬