My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
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Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”