Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
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We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.