My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
You Might Also Like
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
lmaaaaaooooooooo
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one