Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
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My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.