I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
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I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
According to math, I’m broke
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Seems legit
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back