If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
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A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no