I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
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[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
That lamp looks PISSED.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.