I think something went wrong here?!🤔
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Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…