Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
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It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Nose
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.