My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
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Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks