[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
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A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
when you don’t want to be too vague
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real