[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
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BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*