[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
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There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.