Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
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Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
My daily affirmation
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.