[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
You Might Also Like
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.