If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
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“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*