Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
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I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
pizza
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
me irl
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good