If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
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How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Awesome parenting 😂
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.