Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
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At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.