[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
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My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Still my favourite meme.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”