Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
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the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.