It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
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5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Guys, I found it.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.