I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
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I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Never forget.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.